Let’s play a quick game. What is black, three feet long, and constantly being tugged on? Times up. It’s Troy Polamalu’s hair! And guess what… it is worth more money than your entire house.
That’s right, Troy Polamalu’s hair has been insured for $1 million by the shampoo brand Head and Shoulders. Not many details have been released yet, but we can safely assume that this Pittsburgh Steeler is breathing a little easier knowing that his hair is now taken care of.
Seriously Troy? I know that you endorse Head and Shoulders, and I understand that your long hair is a tribute to your Samoan heritage, but is it really worth a million dollars?
Unless you’re storing some top-secret classified information in your hair, then there is no way that your locks are worth that much money. You have to be hiding something in there. Do you know who the second shooter on the grassy knoll was? Is the Loch Ness Monster real? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
If you don’t know the answer to these questions, then your hair is insured for way too much money. In fact, I don’t even understand why it is insured in the first place. How hard did the underwriters of this claim laugh when you presented this policy to them?
I’m sure Jake the Snake is kicking himself right now for not getting his sweet mustache insured during his professional wrestling days. And why shouldn’t he be? If you can insure a man’s lady-hair, then why not insure a guy’s manstache? It just seems logical.
In my professional opinion, a mustache is much more worthy of a taxpayer’s money than long hair is. Think about it. How much would Tom Selleck’s mustache be insured for? My guess is $5.34 billion. Seriously, that puppy is pretty. But let’s get back to Troy.
Dude, if you’re really that scared about your hair being…whatever… then just get a friggin’ haircut. I’m sure with your pro football salary you can afford the best uptown fade that money can buy. Heck, you might even want to think about getting a Samoan tribal quest shaved into the side of your head. How cool would that be?
It’d be super cool and you know it. But lets address the real issue here. You’re not a hair model; you’re a strong safety in the NFL. You should be more worried about the condition of your team rather than the condition of your hair.
And since Big Ben is sitting out the first half of the season, then I’d say you have a lot to be worried about.
(Special shout out to my associate Alex Robertson for his contributions to this column)
August 31st, 2010 → 8:35 am
[...] Another version of this story can be found on Logan Rhoades’ blog here. [...]