Osama bin Laden / 7 Motrin:
You’re dead. Next!
Helpful Hint: Don’t mess with America.
Donald Trump / 5.5 Motrin:
Are your pants on the ground? Because you, sir, are looking like a fool. Haha. Gotcha, bitch! How does that karma train feel? Your clever little ploy to oust President Obama as a non-American totally blew up in your face this weekend. If him roasting your ass like a marshmallow during the White House Correspondents Dinner wasn’t enough of a slap in the face, he also went ahead and killed Osama bin Laden while you were busy watching yourself on TV. Boy, does that have to sting. I guess this means you should keep your thoughts and opinions to your boardroom next time. Speaking of which, who did you end up firing last night on “Celebrity Apprentice”? I didn’t get to find out because Obama was too busying explaining how he took down the biggest terrorist leader this country has ever faced. I’m sure you’re aware of this, though, considering his late-night announcement cut off the last ten minutes of your show. I doubt that part was planned, but I wouldn’t put it past ol’ B.O. — the man has a lot of tricks up his sleeves. And the only thing you seem to have right now is a presidential endorsement by Joey Lawrence and a thumbs-up from Gary Busey. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe those two things are worthless. Admit it, Donnie. You know those two celebrities are about as helpful as an obese flight attendant. The only advice I would take from Joey Lawrence would be the name of a good eyebrow-waxer and the only advice I would take from Gary Busey would be none. Aside from Mel Gibson and the Baltimore Orioles, you may have the worst support group in America. But look on the bright side; at least you don’t have to spend a ton of money on a presidential campaign now. Helpful Hint: I heard LeBron James’ mother recently assaulted a valet attendant. Maybe you should try to get her on your team.
Tyler Perry / 4 Motrin:
You are creating another TV show for TBS called “For Better or Worse”, which is based on your movie Why Did I Get Married? All right, Perrydog. Listen up, because I’m only going to say this once. Stop what you’re doing. Just stop it. Stop making movies, stop making television shows, stop making plays, and stop dressing up like an old lady. I’m tired of it and I’m tired of you. You do more for black stereotypes than Antoine Dodson. It’s true. Just take a look at your most-famous character “Madea”. Are you really going to sit there and tell me that a 70-year-old black lady does not know how to say “hallelujah” properly? Come on, man. Act like you’ve been to church before. Old black ladies throw out “hallelujah” like it’s their job. And what is with this “good afternoont” nonsense? From what I can gather, Madea seems like the worst possible role model for young black children. She’s been to jail, she frequently threatens people with a gun (thank you Wikipedia), and she has a poor grasp on the English language. She basically does everything that uneducated white people think all black people do. Yet for some reason, she is your go-to gal. I just don’t get it. But that’s not what really bothers me. What really grinds my gears is that you make it a point to attach your name to everything. “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne”. “Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family”. “Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married”. Dude, we get it. No one is going to forget that this is your work. And it’s not like we could, even if we wanted to. You’re either the main character or a recurring character in every single film or play that you write and direct. Put it this way: If we missed the first fifteen minutes of the credits, we’d still see your name pop up three of four times. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just not something Logan Rhoades enjoys. Logan Rhoades enjoys a variety of characters and plots… not the same thing with a different title every six months. But who is Logan Rhoades to judge? Logan Rhoades only speaks for Logan Rhoades. Okay, that’s enough of that. In all honesty, man, I’m glad that you can be a strong voice for African Americans, but I just feel like you’re doing more harm than good at this point. All I’m saying is that you need to pump the brakes for a bit because the time has come for you to settle down and stop spitting out movie ideas like they are watermelon seeds. Oh, please. I’m sure that’d be funny if Madea said it. Helpful Hint: “Madea Goes To College” or “Madea Uses Hooked on Phonics”.